Every journey begins with paperwork, and ours begins with a form that took Dr. Biscuit Halloran nine months to write, mostly because he kept lying on it. This article walks you through each question so you arrive prepared and do not leave blank answers that we will then fill in ourselves, creatively.

Question 1: What brings you in today?

The correct answer is a door, a car or a human with a carrier. Clients who answer “my feelings” tend to be asked to be more specific, and clients who are more specific tend to be asked to leave the room while we confer, which is never a promising sign.

Question 4: On a scale of one to ten, how much do you want to knock this off the table?

This is our most important screening item. A score of one suggests a healthy attitude to objects. A score of ten means we will schedule you in the room with the breakable lamp, for therapeutic reasons and because we would like to watch.

Question 7: Who in your household do you trust?

Please do not write the name of the dog. We know. We have all seen the dog. Please also resist the temptation to answer “nobody” in a tone suggesting you are doing it for effect, because Gerald, our mascot, takes that as a personal challenge and will sit beside you until you retract it.

Question 9: Describe your relationship with the vacuum cleaner

Most clients write a single word. We provide a longer box in case the single word is not printable. Our counsellors are trained to remain calm when a client’s answer to this question is a growl on paper.

Question 11: Is there anything else we should know?

Yes, and it is almost always where the real work is. Clients tell us here that they have been pretending the cabinet is not their fault, or that they have been sleeping on the clean laundry as a statement. We read every answer. Then we sleep on the form.

What happens after you submit

You will receive a confirmation, a reference number and a stern look from reception, which is staffed by Nurse Wobbles, who does not believe you needed the appointment. Your counsellor will review your answers within three to five business naps, and you will be contacted by whichever party is awake.

Pawsitive Therapy Counselling is a fictional practice. No real counselling takes place, and anyone seeking actual support should speak to a qualified human professional. Our forms, however, are entirely real, and so is the rule that you must not chew the pen.